Honestly...

I am feeling the need to write...though I dont know where this post is going yet...

My precious little girl is now 8 weeks old and Der just turned 18 months last week!  I really never thought I would have my babies this close together- and it has been tough!  I think that this adjustment has been even harder than after Der was born.  I went from working full time to being home full time...and though having a newborn is demanding, in many ways it was a relief to not be so busy and worn out at the end of the day (teaching is pretty exhausting!).  But now...*sigh* I have very very little down time.  And if I take a moment to write (like this) or read or just rest, I feel like I will pay for it the next day because I will have gotten further behind the seemingly endless to-do list. I often plan to get a lot done in the evening, but instead, we just switch to man-to-man defense and try to "up" the entertainment with two parents now home...and the to-do list waits again. On a good day... I will get 30ish minutes in the afternoon with both babies asleep.  That is not enough time to get everything done that I need to, let alone take a breather and let myself rest.

When it was just Derek and I, we got out of the house almost every day (or had friends over).  Now...every time we go anywhere, I always question if it was worth the trouble.  I know its good for Der to be around other people, but carting around two babies and all their gear is challenging (how do moms of twins do it?)  I even load up the car the night before we have something planned, but no matter how early I get up or plan ahead, we are usually late.  :)

We braved the grocery store for the first time the other day.  Where was I supposed to put the groceries with Der in the front of the cart and Brooklyn's carseat taking up the actual cart part...and the diaper bag underneath?  I started by stuffing the 2 loaves of bread next to Der, which he tolerated for a while, then he tried to throw them out of the cart.  And Brookie wanted out of her carseat almost right away, so she got carried around the store.  Ha- I got lots of sympathetic looks from people, but we managed.

The few times we have gone to a friend's house, I spend most of my time keeping Der out of  cabinets and away from the Christmas tree of breakables...and jostling Brooklyn to keep her happy.  There is little time for chit-chat.  Is it worth it, I ask again?  And trying to keep my house from being a total mess so I can have friends over is a challenge too.  I tell myself that I can just make people feel better about the way their house looks. :) 

And yet...would I have things any other way?  Not a chance!!  Honestly, it has been really tough!  I don't think I have ever been this worn out in my life or been as drained at the end of the day.  I love my two precious, beautiful gifts.  And even though being a mommy is a pretty thankless job, it is the best job in the world!  I have more influence over the course of their life than anyone else.  What a privilege and opportunity!  May God grant me the strength and courage to love, serve, disciple and cherish my precious little ones while they are still little and I still get to speak into their life! 

Lessons Learned

And now I have 2 babies!!  Two totally darling, completely adorable babies that I am totally in love with!!  God has been so good to us and there are moments every day where I can feel tears welling up as I think of how blessed I am and how much I love my family!  Ryan and I say to each other all the time, "I really love my family!"

I knew this would be a hard season for us.  I guess I just had no idea what about it would be hard.  Now I know!  Its hard to feel like you can't be the mommy you want to be to your babies.  For example...I spent so much time holding, rocking, cuddling, kissing, playing with Der when he was as tiny as Brookie.  But I simply can't do that with Brooklyn the way I did with Der and it makes me sad.  Once a day, I try to nurse and rock her in her nursery (something I did for almost every feeding with Der), and this time it feels like a luxury instead of the norm.  I feel like I havent had the time to get to know my new little one like I did with Der.

And then there is my sweet Derek who I feel like has to wait on me to nurse all day.  He is too young to play by himself for long (we are working on this), so he just hangs around waiting while I nurse Brooklyn (which at this age feels like all the time).  He lays his head in my lap and pats Brookie and asks to be held... and I just rub is back, tell him I love him, but that mommy is feeding the baby and I can't hold him.  Its hard!  And when I am trying to settle Brooklyn when she is crying, Der tugs on my leg and says "up, up" because the crying upsets him and he wants to be held too. Or when he is desperate for a nap and has to wait to be put down because I can't get the little girl settled, its hard.  I want to be everything to both of them...and I simply can't. 

I am so grateful that I serve a sovereign God who was not surprised that my babies are so close in age.  He is equipping me to be their mommy and where I am weak, He is strong.  And where I can't meet their needs, He does perfectly!  And even if I am the perfect mom (which I will never be!), my children's salvation is not going to be a result of how good of a mom I am.  So, in those hard moments, I try to remind myself of these truths and trust in His goodness and rest in His grace!

So now that most days its 2 on 1...I am learning to appreciate things I took for granted before.  A shower, brushing my teeth, going to the bathroom in peace, having downtime, my wonderful husband who is also the best daddy I know, dates, quiet, time that is my own, a clean house, evenings after babies are in bed, sleep, getting dressed, and being able to get out.  Its amazing how having a baby changes your perspective. 

And I know I will look back on this season with 2 little ones when I have 3 little ones (God willing) and realize how easy I had it.  And yet God does not give us more than we can handle and I am grateful for the sanctification that is going on in my heart and everything I am learning. 

And just as a sidenote...I am going to start posting  most pictures on facebook (because they upload so much faster) and use the blog to write. :)

Introducing...

Our beautiful baby girl, Brooklyn Noelle, born Monday October 10th, 2011 at 11:16 am.

Here's the story...
I had been having contractions for a while and almost thought it was "go time" the night before.  All day Sunday, they were off and on, but never got consistent or regular.  Before bed I told my mom that Brooklyn would be born the next day between 10 and 2...and I was right!!
At midnight I woke up with contractions, but could fall back asleep between them.  At about 2:30 I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep through them, so I got up and started keeping track.  I woke Ryan at 3:30 when they were all less than 8 minutes apart.  We finished packing, watched some of the Notebook (my choice) and then Ryan decided he wanted to take me to breakfast since I was so hungry during my labor with Der.  We got to Einstein Bagels (yum!) just after they opened at 5:30.  My contractions were about 4-5 minutes apart, so every few minutes, I got up walked around and winced in pain as Ryan pushed on my back trying to relieve some of the back labor.  We were a sight!
When I called the doc he said to come on in since it was my second.  When we got to the hospital a little after 6, I felt like the contractions had slowed down and I was worried it was another false alarm.  We decided to wait and see in the hotel lobby since I didnt want to labor at the hospital any longer than possible, stuck in a bed.  I actually went 15 minutes between 2...not a good sign.  Then they picked up again (I was so relieved).  We checked in at 8am and I was so excited to be 5cm!!!  That was further along than I was with Der after like 20 hours of labor.  My doctor sees her patients at another hospital so she told the nurse she wanted me to have the baby at noon (on her lunch break), so to go ahead and break my water and start potosin (neither of those made me happy, but I agreed).  When they broke my water, Brooklyn's heart rate dropped and I had to be on oxygen and wait to get the epidural until she was okay. 
About an hour later, she seemed okay and I was in a lot of pain, now totally stuck in the bed so I could get  oxygen with no way for Ryan to push on my back to take some edge off the terrible back labor I had.  So I got the epidural....ahhh, relief!  And then about a half an hour later, it was GO TIME.  I went from 7 cm (when I had the epidural) to 10 in less than 30 minutes!  Yay!  So we had to wait for my doctor to come.  No time to give me potosin and that baby was coming well before her lunch break.  As my doc walked in, she said...you are having a contraction...push.  Only a few contractions later (Ryan thinks 5, I think a few more), Brooklyn Noelle arrived with a mound of beautiful long curly black hair and a sweet little cry.  She was 8lbs. 9 oz. and 20 inches long!
We are totally in love with our sweet little girl!  God is so good and we love being a family of 4!
More pics on facebook, but here is one...

As a family of 3!

Adorable Der

I love that toothy grin!!  And he has lots more teeth now...8 new ones in the last 2 months.

My handsome boys! 

The cutest, messiest spaghetti eater there ever was!

Look what I found!

How big is DerBear?!?!

Such a happy boy!!!

This is his "charm" move.  When he wants your attention, he charms :)

Der loves to be tickled!

It had been too long since I put some pics up of my adorable little man, who will be 16 months old in just a few days.  My days are numbered of having just one little sweetheart!  What a totally delightful time it has been getting to be a mommy for just my sweet DerBear!  He will ALWAYS be my baby, even if there are younger babes in the house.  I am totally smitten with this little guy who keeps me laughing and entertained all day long.  What a joy you are to me!

Pregnancy Update- 34 weeks

31 weeks in downtown Breckenridge CO (pre-edited)

How Far Along: 34 weeks, 3 days exactly

Total Weight Gain/Loss: gained about 28lbs

Maternity Clothes: of course!

Gender: still a girl :)  I hope!!!  We are so excited to finally start on her nursery next week!  And our landlord said we could paint...yay for a pink wall!

Movement: TONS!!  I don't think she stopped moving yesterday!  Does this girl sleep?

Sleep: So, I guess we are sleeping about the same amount.  Some nights are actually great...and then some, not so much.  Ryan and I took a 2 night "babymoon" getaway on Thursday and Friday night and I slept amazingly well!  We turned the temp down to 63 and the king sized bed seemed to help. :)  And then there is this morning...I was up at 4, hungry...and I am still up.

Symptoms: Contractions....YIKES!  We had a scare last night when  I woke up at 2:15 am with fairly regular contractions.  They never formed a pattern, but I would have one about every 3-7 minutes.  After trying to walk them off, having a snack, and taking a shower, I realized I better wake Ryan up.  We timed them and called the doctor.  He said we could go in or I could try to go back to sleep.  Apparently at 34 weeks they don't try to stop labor-that was scary.  He thought I might be dehydrated (which can induce early contractions)...so i downed lots of liquid, went 15 minutes without a contraction....and went back to sleep, which pretty much worked.  I felt pretty crummy all day yesterday...thankfully my parents were here to help with Der and to pack.  I didnt do much of anything but sit around and get waited on,  which sounds lovely, but with everything we have to do- it made me crazy!  I am just so grateful we got through the day without baby Brookie being born- I am not supposed to have a September baby...wait till October please little girl!  Other than that excitement...I have just been a lot hungrier.

aDERable-isms

My sweet little boy has been so much fun this summer!!  He has such a fun personality and it seems to really be developing quickly, its like he has a new trick every day.  And so I share a few with you...

 

A-DER-abl-isms

When he knows he is doing something he is not supposed to do, he flashes us a big grin, holds his straight arm high over his head and waves.  Absolutely hilarious!  (Its so hard to keep a straight face).

He points to cords all over the house and says, “nonononono” since he has been told many times not to touch them.

For things that are off limits, like cords, toilets and outlets,  we say, “Do babies play with ____” and then he says, “nonononono” – almost always  5 nos.

He now knows when we are asking him a question and always responds with a “ya!” so cute J  Example, are you ready for a snack? Ya!  Do you want to go pick papa up? Ya!  Do you love mommy?  Ya!  Any question, always a YA!

He will spontaneously throw his arms in the air to show us how big he is.  This is followed immediately by a huge smile, cause he knows its cute.  He also does this on cue…how big is DerBear…

He loves girls/women and when he gets attention in public, he waves and smiles, then starts dancing or bouncing his head from side to side.  Which, they love all the more and then he continues to “charm.” 

He loves loves loves dogs!  He calls most animals he sees “dogdog” (we call them doggies) and will carry his stuffed dog around the house most of the day.  He squeals with excitement when he sees a live dog and starts the “dogdog” chant.  You can imagine how cute he is at the pet store.

He also loves flowers!  Like really really loves them!  He points to every single one in a book or when we are out shopping.  This passion started last week in Colorado when there were beautiful wildflowers everywhere.  We kept a bouquet on the table and were always picking them for him to hold.  I love how much he enjoys the simple things.

He likes to point out things he knows everywhere we go…baby, girl,  boy, dogdog.

He has gotten to be a copy cat, trying to repeat everything we say…and he already knows tons of words, although I am not sure a stranger would know what he is saying!  Some of the cutest attempts to repeat- dinosaur, fish, love you, thank you and popsicle.

Speaking of which, his “love you” is absolutely precious.  It sounds like –dadoo.  And we are teaching him to say thank you.  He usually doesn’t just say it once…its dankew, dankew, dankew.  Way cute!!

He is also picking up on words that mean we are going to eat…like, snack, breakfast, lunch, dinner…and Ill say, “Are you ready for ______” and he will say ya, then cawcaw (cracker) -his favorite!!!

Watching him eat an oreo is great entertainment.  Ryan taught him to dunk it in milk.  He picked up on this really quick and likes them soggy. 

He likes to point our body parts he knows…belly button, nose, ear, hair,  eye (careful he will try to poke them).   He went through a stage where he wanted to see his belly button all the time and we would have to unbutton his outfit so he could find it.

He loves food!  And you will know when he likes something…while eating he will keep repeating, “yummy-yum, yummy-yum” which is so sweet.  I have never seen a happier or more expressive eater!

He loves to make people laugh or join in laughter.  He will often do something he knows is funny then fake laugh…or if everyone is laughing, he joins in. 

The other night, I was putting him to sleep.  He was snuggled in and almost asleep… I thought.  He then lurched out and stuck his tongue out at me.  It was hilarious and he has been doing it randomly sense.  Last week he stuck his tongue out at the flight attendant who thankfully thought it was cute.

He loves his bath time with daddy.  There favorite game is for Der to throw is wet toys out of the tub and get his daddy as wet as possible.

When he gets tired…I will ask him if he wants to go to bed and he will say nightnight or baba (blankey) or ba (bath)…all cues that he is pooped.

He has to have his blankey and thumb to sleep.  He tucks his blanket this certain way in his fist and then sucks the thumb of that hand…he will not suck his thumb without something soft to tuck in….which is hilarious, because when he gets tired, he will use almost anything soft…stuffed animal, Ryan’s boxers, a sock, a tie, burp cloth or outfit.  Its pretty stinkin cute.

He loves to be tickled and he will taunt me to tickle him.  He throws his arms up and head back or does something silly so I will want to tickle him.  One of his favorite things to do before nap/bed time is to pretend to eat things that babies don’t eat.  He will act like he is eating the alligator on the page of a book….and I will say, “Babies don’t eat alligators (or lions or monkeys),” and then tickle him.  We do this over and over until I wear out…He loves it!

He has two favorite songs…Waves of Mercy and Barbara Ann…he likes the chorus.  Nanananana and babababababarbaraann- I think he likes them cause he can sing them…And sing he does.  Before every nap and during most of a car ride, we sing these two songs back and forth.  At first he would just request Ryan or I sing them by saying baba or nana.  Now he can repeat many nanana’s in a row in a singsingy way.  It is so sweet….how could we deny the little guy.  And so, we sing these songs dozens of times a day.

And here is the adorable little guy riding his zebra around! 

                                                                      

The grass is greener...or is it?

Attitude.  It seems to make all the difference in my day!  Here's an example.

Yesterday... woke up at 4 am having to pee (not unusual for a pregnant lady).  Then I got hungry (also not unusual) and got a snack.  Then I was wide awake with no chance of falling asleep. After going to bed around 11, I knew this wasn't going to be good.  I finally got back into bed at 6ish, thinking I was tired enough to finally sleep..only to almost fall asleep when Der starts to cry-  Are you kidding me?  I get out of bed (not easy to do when you are this pregnant) in pain and feeling weary.  I can tell by Der's cry that it is going to be another "needy" day of teething and I find myself resenting having to be a mom (sad, but true).  I half heartedly sang the song I sing to Der every morning "This is the day that the Lord has made...let us rejoice and be glad in it."  I don't think I even listened to what I was saying.  There was no rejoicing.  There was tiredness and feeling sorry for myself.  This was all before 6:30 am.  I had planned for us to get out of the house and do something fun, but the idea of going out in the heat and toting him around made me decide to postpone.  It took me until after a nap and some time reading "Mission of Motherhood" to be grateful again to be a mommy.  I missed out on that whole morning of seeing God at work!

And then there was today.  I was determined to make it great with my baby...teething and fussy or not.  I played with my snuggle bear, tickled him, held him, chased him and then planned a fun mommy Der date.  We walked the mall (well, I walked, he rode in the stroller), then we went the pet store (he is so so adorable running from cage to cage saying dogdog!), shared a smoothie and cookie and then came home. 

I was still tired (I am tired every day) and weary (that too), but I am realizing that my days with just Der and I are limited and I need to be grateful for EVERY moment, not just the easy ones.  And its okay if I am tired and weary...I still need to have an attitude of gratitude and savor the sweetness of my only baby who is growing up much too quickly.  When I can't get comfy at night or I wake up 6 times, or I sweat just trying to keep the house tidy, or I can  hardly move at the end of the day because my body is so worn out... its easy to complain and wish this last part of my pregnancy away.  But there is so so so much more to be grateful for!!  I really do like being pregnant.  How special that I can actually grow a baby inside me.  How sweet it is to feel baby Brookie kicking and wiggling around.  And what a truly delightful little boy I have.  He is so sweet and funny and loving.  I am smitten with him, when I stop and take notice.  How dare I miss out on all that sweetness because I am feeling tired or sorry for myself. 

I am choosing to enjoy this season of life and be grateful to God even on the harder days.  The grass will not be "greener" on the other side of this season.  I will have a newborn and baby and be a whole new level of exhausted and I will need to believe this lesson I am learning all over again!  Every season of life has its challenges...but it also has so many more beautiful things to be grateful for!

Pregnancy Update- 29 weeks

How Far Along: 29 weeks, 4 days...so close to 30-crazy!  Officially into trimester 3!!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: about 23lbs. (I think its supposed to slow down the third trimester....hopefully!)

Maternity Clothes:  All maternity...and Ryan's clothes.  I put on an undershirt of his tonight and it wouldn't go over my belly...a mens medium is too small!

Gender: GIRL!!!!!  Drum roll please...  Brooklyn Noelle!! We debated telling, since we kept Der's name a surprise.  We thought we would give it a try this time around and see how people reacted.

Brooklyn we really liked, especially since it has family ties.  Ryan's great grandpa (Papa), who moved to the US 100 years ago this year lived in Brooklyn...and Ryan's Grandpa worked there too.  Kinda cool...and we thought it would be fun to take Baby Brookie there when she is old enough to appreciate it.  And Noelle would be after its meaning...Christ's birth.  Plus I have loved all the books I have read by Noel Piper (John Piper's wife), so the original idea came from her name.  We just changed the spelling.  We are already practicing her name with Der.  Its a good thing he likes B words :)

Movement: All the time!  This girl is on the go...or trying to break out or something.  The movements are getting stronger and stronger.  I love to watch my belly roll around.

Sleep: Not so much...do I really have 10 weeks to go.  Between the kicking, the pain in my back and side from carrying Der around, and all the changes we have going on right now...I have a really hard time sleeping.  Its no surprise that I am typing this at 12:45am.

Symptoms:  Just starting to feel really pregnant.  Up until recently, my expanding belly hasnt slowed me down.  But lately, there are more and more things I can't do (especially with Der), which makes me kinda sad.  And with the lack of sleep, and changes going on, I have been more emotional these last 2 weeks than the first 26 combined (poor Ryan).  The reality of everything is catching up with me plus the lack of sleep makes me feel a little crazy.

Cravings: Not meat!  I have a hard time thinking of things to cook because meat sounds yucky.  If someone makes it, then I dont mind.  Ryan has been grilling to give me a shot at being able to eat.  I still want cold stuff... and Der and I have "Popsicle" time every afternoon after his nap.

Best Moment this week:  Hummmm... maybe our family outing on Saturday to take Der to get his first doughnut.  He was so cute with chocolate icing and sprinkles all over his face.  Or maybe watching him in the pet store at the mall.  That boy was beside himself with delight, running back and forth between dogs.  They had all the animals he can name: dog, cat, bird, fish- such fun!       

5 Year Anniversary- Southern Carribean Cruise

We had a WONDERFUL time celebrating our anniversary back in May!  We were so grateful for the time away to connect and relax and get to see and experience some of the most beautiful places in the world!!   We took a Southern Caribbean Cruise! The itinerary was: Sunday- at sea (we left from San Juan Puerto Rico), Monday- St. Thomas, Tuesday- at sea, Wednesday- Barbados, Thursday- St. Lucia, Friday- St Kitts (our actual 5 year anniversary!), Saturday- St. Maarten and Sunday back to San Juan to fly home.

I had no idea how much I was going to miss my little man...but I know time away is important and I know that one of the best things I can do for my baby is to be in love with his daddy...and so off we went...teary eyed as I was.  And I certainly don't regret it :)  Der, of course had a wonderful time with his grandparents...chasing the old cat and dog around and eating lots of crackers!  He got quite spoiled....well, and so did we!!! :)