Lessons Learned

And now I have 2 babies!!  Two totally darling, completely adorable babies that I am totally in love with!!  God has been so good to us and there are moments every day where I can feel tears welling up as I think of how blessed I am and how much I love my family!  Ryan and I say to each other all the time, "I really love my family!"

I knew this would be a hard season for us.  I guess I just had no idea what about it would be hard.  Now I know!  Its hard to feel like you can't be the mommy you want to be to your babies.  For example...I spent so much time holding, rocking, cuddling, kissing, playing with Der when he was as tiny as Brookie.  But I simply can't do that with Brooklyn the way I did with Der and it makes me sad.  Once a day, I try to nurse and rock her in her nursery (something I did for almost every feeding with Der), and this time it feels like a luxury instead of the norm.  I feel like I havent had the time to get to know my new little one like I did with Der.

And then there is my sweet Derek who I feel like has to wait on me to nurse all day.  He is too young to play by himself for long (we are working on this), so he just hangs around waiting while I nurse Brooklyn (which at this age feels like all the time).  He lays his head in my lap and pats Brookie and asks to be held... and I just rub is back, tell him I love him, but that mommy is feeding the baby and I can't hold him.  Its hard!  And when I am trying to settle Brooklyn when she is crying, Der tugs on my leg and says "up, up" because the crying upsets him and he wants to be held too. Or when he is desperate for a nap and has to wait to be put down because I can't get the little girl settled, its hard.  I want to be everything to both of them...and I simply can't. 

I am so grateful that I serve a sovereign God who was not surprised that my babies are so close in age.  He is equipping me to be their mommy and where I am weak, He is strong.  And where I can't meet their needs, He does perfectly!  And even if I am the perfect mom (which I will never be!), my children's salvation is not going to be a result of how good of a mom I am.  So, in those hard moments, I try to remind myself of these truths and trust in His goodness and rest in His grace!

So now that most days its 2 on 1...I am learning to appreciate things I took for granted before.  A shower, brushing my teeth, going to the bathroom in peace, having downtime, my wonderful husband who is also the best daddy I know, dates, quiet, time that is my own, a clean house, evenings after babies are in bed, sleep, getting dressed, and being able to get out.  Its amazing how having a baby changes your perspective. 

And I know I will look back on this season with 2 little ones when I have 3 little ones (God willing) and realize how easy I had it.  And yet God does not give us more than we can handle and I am grateful for the sanctification that is going on in my heart and everything I am learning. 

And just as a sidenote...I am going to start posting  most pictures on facebook (because they upload so much faster) and use the blog to write. :)